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Listen to me! Look at me when I’m talking to you! Sit still!
This is how we were taught to listen and this is how it’s taught in most households and classrooms. We have been conditioned to think that these actions are the standard for listening and that they are helpful and show respect.
This is how I was raised. This is how I initially taught my children and how I initially taught this skill to my clients. I even developed a poster and book with Kristen Wilson based on the concept of Whole Body Listening (WBL) where we taught kids to sit still, look at the speaker, be quiet, etc.
You may have heard of WBL either through your child’s school or in your own reading. The WBL approach recognizes that we don’t just listen with our ears. We actually listen with our entire body. This part is very true. BUT…
What are we really asking them to do when we are asking them to be still and quiet?
We are asking them to perform and show us that they are listening from outward behaviors for the benefit of others. We are asking them to comply with a standard that might not actually help them truly listen.
Is that what you really want when it comes to teaching your child what works best for them to listen, absorb information, and understand what helps their brain learn.
As I have been LISTENING deeply and learning from the neurodivergent population, I have grown to understand that this method of teaching kids to listen is actually about compliance and conformity.
True listening is not about the behavior you see on the outside!
Some kids might listen best when they are still and quiet but many, including my children (and myself), do not!
It actually is much harder to listen, process, and learn in this way for many people. Listening is a cognitive, emotional, and sensory process and when we demand only one way to focus and attend, it can make it really hard. Not only that but it can even cause shame to kids who just can’t sit still or look at the speaker when listening and get in trouble or called out for not doing it this way.
The good news is that we can turn this around!
Once we recognize that we can use each body part to help us listen, we can begin to focus on regulation.
Regulation is the ability to manage our level of alertness, emotion, and energy to be successful in any given situation. Whenever we are paying attention to someone, our body is working hard to become regulated in order to focus.
We all have unique brains and different styles of listening, absorbing information and learning.
We all engage in regulation; it just looks different for different people. For example, in a training or lecture, some adults doodle, draw, or take notes in order to listen, while others watch the speaker the entire time. Some people fidget with a rubber band or pencil, while some people need to stand up and stay in the back of the room.
As a parent, we can support the process of helping our kids figure out how they listen best. We can observe, ask questions and collaborate with them like a good detective would do.
What are the things that help your child become regulated? Do they listen better when their hands are busy with twirling their hair? Do they focus more if they are moving, shaking their foot, or sitting in a rocking chair? Are they more likely to be paying attention if they have something to drink in their hand? Notice, take notes, and help them to do the same. We have created a new poster that does just that:
Of course, this means you will also be figuring out the things that interfere with regulation, such as staring at technology, being in the middle of an argument with a sibling, or doing something they really dislike without any support.
It’s important to have an open mind as you observe their behavior throughout the day. Once you all begin to notice the small things they do that help them focus, you can communicate and compare your notes to see which ones match up and get insight from both perspectives.
Teaching Regulation Skills
Think of teaching regulation skills as being like any other skill. You can teach self-awareness to your child just as you teach how to wash the dishes or ride a bike. Once the needs are recognized and the things they can do to meet those needs are recognized, you can support them by modeling similar behaviors or by reminding them of their strategies at the right moment. For example, if you need to have an important conversation with your child about a conflict with a sibling, make sure they aren’t in the middle of that conflict. If they focus better when they are moving, try tackling the conversation while you are playing ball or going for a walk.
Understanding Your Own Behavior
It’s also important for us to recognize our own behaviors and expectations. Do you want them to look as if they are listening or do you want them to be regulated enough to focus? How important is it really for them to sit still and look at you? You may need to adjust your own expectations and understand that sometimes the behaviors that we associate with paying attention aren’t really connected with attention at all.
A Lifelong Skill
Listening and regulation skills carry over across all environments. Helping your child understand their own needs will help them in school, at play, and in life as they grow older. And by teaching them to recognize their needs and speak up for them, you are also teaching them self-advocacy, an important skill for life.
I’m inviting you (and myself) to take a step back and remind ourselves that true listening is not something we can see on the outside. When we demand certain observable behaviors such as “look at me,” and “be still”, we could actually be getting in the way of the process. It’s important to ask yourself, do you want your child to appear as if they are listening or actually absorb the information from you and process it? With the latter being my goal, we are continuously trying to figure out the strategies that support this process during everyday situations for more success.